FOUR METHODS

MOST MARRIED PEOPLE

USE WHEN THEY HAVE

PROBLEMS

INTRODUCTION:  When we have problems either in single life or as married couples, there are several patterns of methods we use when there is a problem. I would like to list them for all to read and see and remember.....especially in those difficult times when two people are married. These patterns are the ones we use when we ignore the Word of God.  

1. This is a little device that we all have used, whereby we give ACCEPTABLE REASONS FOR UNACCEPTABLE CONDUCT.  I might mention that this is not a Biblical or spiritual adjustment to a problem, but a HUMAN adjustment to a problem.  

a. illustration:  A man steals $5.00 while the clerk at the local store was not looking.  Now, rather than saying “I stole a $5.00 bill at the store this afternoon” we will dress it up to appear more palatable by saying, “I have two children and they have no food and have been crying for something to eat....thus I took the $5.00 for my children, so they would have food.”   lesson: in other words, it is right for the children to have food, thus the taking of the money is acceptable...in light of their impending hunger and need.  

b. illustration: Let me give you one that I have used for years while in the pastorate.  “I am not prepared for Bible Study this evening because I have been extremely busy at all of the hospitals and there are so many people in need of my assistance.”  I doubt if there is a minister living who has not used a “busy week” as an excuse for a poorly prepared Wed. Night Bible Study or Morning Message.  Too many funerals, too much hospital work, too much counseling.

c. Illustration:  Turn to I Samuel 13:8-12.  Saul tarried and when Samuel did not arrive after the 7 days, Saul goes ahead and makes the sacrifice, although, he was not allowed to do any kind of priestly work or make a sacrifice.  Samuel arrives in v. 11 and notice what Saul said to rationalize his actions.  “Because I saw that the people were scattered.”  [v. 11,12].   [in other words, the enemy is upon us, you were not here, prayer had not been made, thus I made the burnt offering myself]  Please notice v. 13....and the fact that there is no real feeling of your guilt when you RATIONALIZE...Saul does not repent, feel sorry or even acknowledge it.

d. Illustration:  I Samuel 15:3-15.  You have a clear command in v. 3...but then note what rationalization does to a person in v. 13.  (he lied, but he rationalized himself into thinking that he had obeyed the Lord.)  When you rationalize long enough and often enough, the truth becomes fuzzy. Saul had never faced his problem, thus it occurs again...for when you rationalize, you never face REALITY.  Same in a marriage.  If you rationalize and she rationalizes, then WHAT IS SOLVED IN A MARRIAGE?  Two people who cannot face reality will not make it in a marriage.  Notice in v. 13 the good evangelical terminology, “I have performed the commandment of the Lord.”  How about v. 15.    

e. Illustration: How is this one for most of us.  “I know I slammed the door, but it was because you stayed on my back to cut the lawn.” ”I know I broke the dish, but you made me mad.” 

DENIAL:   

1. this is the practice of ignoring or denying that a situation exists.  This is really a form of SELF DELUSION.  

a. illustration: For years, I had the ability to deny the fact that I was running out of gas and still I would drive on, without doing something about it.  What I was doing was practicing DENIAL....IGNORING THAT A SITUATION EXISTS.  Because of DENIAL, I cannot and would not want you to know how many times I ran out of gas.   

b. illustration:  James 1:26....gives an example of denial.....here was a person who was able to blank out one area of their life....He blanks out the fact that he had an unbridled tongue, by saying that “he was religious.”  HE DECEIVED HIS OWN HEART.  This also is a form of SELF DELUSION.  His stain glass window and large donations and perfect attendance and large gifts of money to the church allowed him to deceive his own heart....and actually DENY HIS UNBRIDLED TONGUE.  

c. illustration:  this is the best one.  Go to I John 1:8....this person has reached the place where he says in his life, “I have no sin.”  The Bible says, “we deceive ourselves.” Listen, if we face our problem, we will have to change....How often we have had a problem in the marriage, but we do not deal with it.....we learn to WALK AROUND THE PROBLEM. 

d. illustration: I think much of the P T L mess can be attributed to DENIAL.  Much of the sex and money deals had been going on for months and years, but there was DENIAL, thus they were still able to go on television and cry and weep and pray and kneel.  I am not singling out this group, for I have done my share of DENIAL in my life.  You can continue in something that is wrong only when you just keep on DENYING THAT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.   

1. This is simply GIVING A BAD HABIT AN ACCEPTABLE OUTLET. 

a. illustration:  Let us suppose that the bad habit is PRIDE....you are not a believer and you have this inherent pride....to cheat people financially.....actually, you are really proud of your ability to cheat.  Then you become a Christian.....and now, you are proud of HOW MUCH YOU GIVE.  [actually, it is the same sin, for you changed from the pride of cheating to  the pride of giving.]  YOU GAVE A SINFUL HABIT AN ACCEPTABLE OUTLET.  [the outlet now is “how much you give.”]

b. illustration:  The man is proud of how much he can drink.  Then he becomes a believer and now he is proud of how MUCH HE DOES NOT DRINK.  (what you have done is give the sin an acceptable outlet or different outlet)

c. illustration:  Before you became a believer, you expressed yourself by giving the biggest parties in town....and then following your conversion, the same sin of approval or desire for approval is continued, but now, you are PRAISED BY BEING THE BIGGEST FINANCIAL GIVER IN THE CHURCH.  [you changed the outlet of desire for approval or praise to something more acceptable and now it is a Christian outlet]

DIRECT ATTACK:

1. This is where your response to a situation is temper...you just go berserk when something does not work out your way.  You might use words, your fists, smash the dishes or break down a door.  It is the direct attack.  

a. illustration: this is best illustrated with children....when a child will bang his head on the floor when something is not given to them.  Now, adults are entirely too sophisticated and then some  can’t get down on the floor or better still....can’t get back up, thus they resort to more elaborate and adult schemes and plans.  

DEFENSE MECHANISM:

1. Another non spiritual method for dealing with a problem....device for protecting the mind from facts too strong to face. 

a. illustration:  The man beat his wife until she was unconscious, but the defense mechanism was that he never married until age 45 and in between he had never had any kind of personal relations with members of the other sex, thus he did not understand women..

b. illustration:  John 4:16-20 is about as good as they come.  Jesus said to the woman who had FIVE husbands, “go call your husband.” Then, the woman blurts out with this statement, “I perceive that you art a prophet.”  And then in v. 20 she brings up a doctrinal question by stating, “our Fathers worshipped in this mountain....where do you think we ought to worship.”  Question: what in the world does v. 20 have to do with the whole matter?  She put up her defense mechanism by bringing up religion to keep from facing the fact that she had had six husbands. I might mention that when she received Christ as Saviour, that Christ became the seventh and last husband.  Seven: is number of Divine Completion.