Marriage

 Introduction:  Before anyone jumps at some false conclusion, I would like to take the little word  “submit” and note the importance that the Bible gives to this word.  I believe you will find that this little word “submit” is one of the most neglected words in the study of the Bible.  In fact, if you wanted one word that would describe our responsibility to the Lord, it would be the word SUBMIT.  The word “submit” will wrap up as much of the duty of the believers to our Lord as any word in the Bible.  If I can get you and your bride to be to sit down with your Bibles and read this study, and if you will both respond in a positive manner to the Biblical contents of this study, then I am not worried about your being married.  If you are married and are having problems in the marriage....most likely it falls within the Biblical confines of this little, seemingly uninteresting word by the name of SUBMISSION.  I will be glad to guarantee that your Biblical relation to this word SUBMIT will make or break your marriage.   

 

 BIBLICAL USE OF THE WORD ‘SUBMIT’

 

 

1. Used of our relationship to the Lord    Heb 12:9

 

a. “Shall we not much more cheerfully submit to the Father of spirits and live.”

 

1. If you will read this chapter, you will note that the key to our relationship to Him is submission when being buffeted as a believer.  Without the little word “submit” you would not be able to handle chastening. When you are being buffeted around, under pressure, the word that will bring you through it all is the little word “submit.” 

2. Used of our relationship to men.  Eph 5:21

a. “be subject to one another in the fear of God...”

3. Used of a believer to an Elder.  I Peter 5:5...or overseer

a. “likewise, submit yourself unto the elder....”

4. used of a believer to Institutions   Rom 13:1-4

a. “let every soul be in subjection.”   The authority for government is from God, although the FORM is not necessarily from God....the right to govern is from God.  

5. used of the church, the local body    I Cor 14:34   (the word submit sums up our relationship as much as any one word in the Bible)

6. used of our status in life.  I Peter 2:18  (the word is submit to masters)

7. used of the wife to the husband   Col 3:18. As you look up these verses, you will notice that the word “submit” is not some “mean” word that God picked out just for wives, but is given to us in all relationships of life.  Of course, it goes without saying that the word “submit” has nothing to do with women becoming “punching bags” for some immature man.  There is nothing implied in the word which would infer a “me Tarzan you Jane” type of relationship. 

a. Note that submission does not eliminate independence:  Turn to Luke 2:42, 51 where you have interesting verses.  Lk. 2:51 says, “was subject” and means “he was in a state of continual subjection to them.”  Then go to Lk. 2:41-42 where Jesus stayed in the temple as his parents went home...they went a days journey seeking Him....found Him after three days. [41-48]  Note His independence and dependence....HE WAS IN SUBMISSION, but IT WAS NOT A LOSS OF INDEPENDENCE.  The husband should not take it personally when the wife, who is in submission takes a course every Tuesday evening to better herself....while he watches the children and washes the dishes.  

Implications in the word SUBMIT:

 

1. The word submit presupposes more than one ENTITY.

 

a. what we mean is this....you cannot submit without some other thing or some other person.  Really, the word submit is a RELATIONSHIP word.  When the wife is told to submit, it implies more than one entity...for you have to submit to someone else.

b. note to single people: [Christian that is]  Scripture will say that..If you fill your role in marriage, you will have to submit to another person.  If you as a women think this is too tough, then please remember what the scriptures have to say to the husband.  He is commanded to “love you as Christ loved the church.”  (which do you think is the more difficult....and by the way, would you have much difficulty submitting to someone who “loved you with the same love that Christ had for the church?”  The role of the wife is no where near as difficult as that of the husband.  

 

2. The word submit presupposes Legitimate AUTHORITY.

 

 

a. God even tells the slave to submit to legitimate authority.  The wife is to submit to the husband; the believer is to submit to the authority in the local church; the believer is to submit to the state.  WHY?  Because the word submit presupposes legitimate authority.  I am sure you understand that God did not tell the wife to submit to the husband because he is “more qualified.”

 

 

b. please remember something about submitting to authority.  THE AUTHORITY IS NEVER DERIVED FROM THE CHARACTER OF THE LEADER.  This is well illustrated in I Peter 2:18 where some of the slaves were told to submit, even if the master was a liar and thief.  Why?  Because the submission had nothing to do with the CHARACTER of the master.  The reason the believing wife is to submit is because of DIVINE DESIGNATION.  

 

c. lesson: If you cannot buy this business of “legitimate authority” and feel it is not for today, then please do not get married under a Biblical pretext.  Remember, the word submit definitely presupposes LEGITIMATE AUTHORITY...If you do not believe that God gives to the husband a role of headship...THEN FORGET ABOUT MARRIAGE UNTIL YOU HAVE COME TO THIS POINT OF VIEW.  

 

3. The word submit presupposes ORDER.    (in fact the word submit is a military term)

 

a. notice I Cor 15:23-28....where it talks about Christ being in subjection to the Father....Now, it did not say that Christ was “inferior” and that the Father was Superior.  It is just a matter of DIVINE DESIGNATION AND DIVINE ORDER.

 

b. We think or have in our minds that “submitting” implies that someone is INFERIOR and someone else is SUPERIOR.  Notice how in I Cor 15:28 the Son submits to the Father because of DIVINE ORDER.  Christ is identical to the Father....it is divine order.  In many cases the wife might be superior to the husband and in many cases the wife has better insight than the husband....thus again, submitting never means “I am superior and you are inferior.”  IT IS DIVINE ORDER.   Any man who thinks that his being the head of the family means he is is  superior to his wife is straight out in “left field” Biblically and spiritually.  There is absolutely no connection whatsoever in submitting and the words, “inferior, superior.” Many times the combination of the analytical [male quality] and the intuitive [female quality]  is a great combination...God intended to blend the two gifts or qualities.  

WHAT THEN IS BIBLICAL SUBMISSION?

                               

        A. The Answer:  It is a response to a divinely assigned order .                                       

 

                1. PLEASE NOTE:  It is not based on your feelings or how you “feel’ about submitting.  There is nothing wrong or sinful in your remaining unmarried, but as a believer, if you CANNOT respond to the implications of the word SUBMIT, then just remain unmarried.  It is that simple and that easy.  It means that as a wife you are willing to respond to a divinely assigned order....whether you like it or not feel good about it or not.  It is based on your relationship to His DIVINELY GIVEN ORDER OF THINGS.  

 

B. The VERTICAL RELATIONSHIP OF SUBMISSION.

1. Eph 5:18-21   I hate to say this, but it is most important that you turn and follow these verses  Notice that the Doctrine of the Church and the Marriage Relationship are both taught here.  WHY TOGETHER?  The reason being that the DOCTRINE OF THE CHURCH PERFECTLY ILLUSTRATES MARRIAGE.  [knowing doctrine thus helps you to understand the subject of marriage].  Notice the VERTICAL statement about Filling of Holy Spirit v. 18   [first, you have the main verb which is “be filled with the Spirit” and then flowing out of that main verb, “be filled with the Spirit” are three participles.....beginning in v. 19.

 

 A. SPEAKING   [ v. 19]  “speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs.”

 

1. this is relationship to ONES SELF...notice that the “filling of the Spirit” in v. 18 expresses itself in speaking.  I always thought it was wrong to talk to yourself until I read v. 19...which talks about “speaking to yourself.”  Paul is describing the INNER LIFE of the believer, which should be one of speaking to yourself in psalms, hymns, spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart.  I know now why my mother in law sings and praises God to herself all through the day....result of being filled with the Holy Spirit.  

2. question: have you ever “just gotten happy” with yourself as you prayed, talked to Him, began to sing songs in your heart, make melody to Him?  THE INNER LIFE OF THE BELIEVER.  When this happens in your life it is not some “Pentecostal experience” but it is normal result of being filled with The Spirit.  You will speak “to yourself.” This is the INNER LIFE OF THE BELIEVER.  

 

B. GIVING THANKS [ v. 20]

1. this is what I call RELATIONSHIP TO CIRCUMSTANCES.  “giving thanks for all things unto God.”  By the way, have you noticed how “unglamorous” these first two marks of being filled with the Spirit.  Thus far, all you have done if you were filled with the Holy Spirit is SPEAKING, GIVING THANKS.

C. SUBMITTING  [ v. 21]

 

1. this is what we call our RELATIONSHIP TO OUR FAMILY OR HOME.  I seriously doubt that if you asked the average believer what the 3 marks of being filled with the Holy Spirit are....they would mention SPEAKING, GIVING THANKS, SUBMITTING.  Most think the filling of the Spirit has to do with something miraculous or speaking in tongues.  In how many churches does filling by The Holy Spirit mean:  INNER MELODY, ABILITY IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES TO GIVE THANKS,    TO GET ALONG AT HOME.

 

B. The HORIZONTAL RELATIONSHIP OF SUBMISSION.     [Eph. 5:22-25]

1. We would note that there is only ONE IMPERATIVE  v. 25

 

a. “husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church.”  I would note that v. 25 is a COMMAND and also in the IMPERATIVE MOOD.

 

b. there is a question at this juncture.  How will I know as a husband if my wife will BIBLICALLY respond to me in marriage?  There is that chance that she will not respond.  How can I know?  I might mention that v. 22 is NOT  a command to submit, although, there are passages where she is commanded to submit, but this is not one of them.  It should read, “wives to your own husbands as to the Lord.”  [v.22] [which is the same as submitting].

c. The best barometer on how to know is to observe how she responds to the WORD BEFORE MARRIAGE.  This will give you the key. If her response before marriage is spiritually negative, then the same response will likely occur following marriage.  If there is submission on her part VERTICALLY to the Lord Jesus, then most likely there will be horizontal submission following marriage.  I WILL GUARANTEE THAT IF THAT LOVELY, WONDERFUL LADY YOU ARE ABOUT TO MARRY IS NOT RESPONDING VERTICALLY BEFORE MARRIAGE, THEN YOU CAN MOST LIKELY FORGET ABOUT HER HORIZONTAL RESPONSE TO YOU AS A BELIEVING HUSBAND.  If the husband is not responding VERTICALLY before marriage, then please do not think that following marriage he will begin to vertically respond.  

2. Notice the ROOT of all Relationships.

a. It is the PERCEPTION that each partner has of Christ.  Both the wife and the husband will be successful, only in the measure that they “perceive Christ.”  

b. notice in v. 22 it says to the wives, “wives to your own husbands as unto the Lord.”Do you know what the phrase “as unto the Lord” means?  It means that the wife cannot do her submitting unless she has a PROPER PERSPECTIVE OF CHRIST.   NOW, THIS IS POWERFUL STUFF.  The real reason, the honest reason why some of you beautiful, good looking young ladies have trouble with submission is because of your lack of PROPER PERSPECTIVE OF CHRIST in your life.  Be honest.  

c. notice in v. 25 in reference to the husbands, “love your wives even as Christ loved the Church.”  (The husband also cannot have the right kind of love for his wife unless he has a PROPER PERSPECTIVE OF CHRIST  [WOW]  As a minister, my love for my wife is directly tied in to my daily, weekly PERSPECTIVE OF CHRIST.  Loving my wife is not easy and natural for a husband.  Loving MYSELF is easy and natural, but for a man to move outside of himself, it takes a PROPER PERSPECTIVE OF CHRIST.....which is a nice, intellectual phrase for daily doses in the Word, applying of those doses to my inner man, temperament by the Holy Spirit.  Listen, I am ALWAYS LOVING MYSELF, but not always loving my wife with His love.   

3. Let us develop further the HEAVY Responsibility of the Husband. 

 

a.    let us develop the phrase, “even as Christ loved the church.”

 

[we know this means that husbands are commanded to love their wives with the SAME love that Christ loved the church. ]  

b. How Can Husbands Love this way??

a. first, it is impossible without KNOWING DOCTRINE.  Please notice some of the doctrines that the husband has to know and understand and apply to his life before he can Biblically love his wife.

1. “even as Christ.” [v.25]  thus, the husband has to understanding something about The Doctrine of Divine Love or the Essence of God. 

 

2. “gave Himself for us.”  [v.25]  The husband needs to understand The Doctrine of Redemption.

 

3. “washing of water by the word.” [v.26]  This husband also needs to know and be able to apply The Doctrine of Scriptures.  

 

4. “glorious church.” {v.27} He needs to know something about the Doctrine of The Church.

 

5. “love their wives as their own bodies.” [v.28]

He has to have a Biblical concept of his own SELF IMAGE, which of course, is not a problem with most men.                                                                                                      6. “without spot or wrinkle.’  [v.27] He has to have some knowledge of the Doctrine of Glorification. 

4. Conclusions and Lessons:

a. ladies be sure of the spiritual knowledge and practice of this man you are about to marry.  He cannot love you with the same love as Christ loved the church without having some kind of doctrinal input.  He may believe it from cover to cover, but if he does not practice and live it, then forget him.  Knowledge and Practice must join hands. Just because he carries a BIG BLACK Bible does not mean knowledge and practice have joined hands.    

b. you gals should find out what kind of PERCEPTION this man has of the Word before you marry him.  If he has little perception of truth and doctrine, then all you will have if you marry this man is the first part of v. 25 which says, “love your wives” but he will have no “even as” to go along with whatever love he has for you.  It will be love....”the best he can give you” but not Biblical love....because he has no perception of truth or doctrine being lived out in his life. 

c. I am sure this is completely out of date with most of you, but the mans perception of doctrine and application of truth to his life will AFFECT HIS RELATIONSHIP TO YOU AS HIS WIFE.  [sounds crazy for today, but it is true...this will not happen over night, but it will happen]   He will love you, but it will be to “love you for what you are” but really, you do not need this kind of love, for you are a sinner....and Christian love goes much deeper than loving a person for “what they are.”

 

C.  Notice the Parallels Between Christ and the Husband:   [Eph 5:23]

 

1. Christ:

a. is the HEAD OF THE CHURCH [23]  that is LEADERSHIP.

b. is the SAVIOR OF THE CHURCH [23]   that is PROVISION.

 

c. is the LOVER OF THE CHURCH  [v.25]   that is RIGHT ATTITUDE

 

2. Husband:

a. is the HEAD [v.23]   that is LEADERSHIP

a. this means as husband you are to take leadership and INITIATIVE.  I put the word initiative in caps because this is a real problem with modern day man...He will not take leadership or initiative....in many homes the wife has to function in both the leadership role and also is the one who takes the initiative.  Now, it does not mean that leadership means DOMINATION....it does NOT mean that if he is the leader, that he in turn does NOT consult and consider with his wife. Men today have come from homes where the MOTHER so dominates in the day to day decisions....that the man you are about to marry will bring a reincarnation of his Mother into the new home....and expect you as wife to do and function as his Mother...although, you are his wife.   

b. is the SAVIOR  [v.23]   that is PROVISION    [this provision is not just groceries on the table, but the providing in all aspects, mentally, socially, spiritually]

c. is the LOVER   [v.25]   that is maintaining of RIGHT ATTITUDE....I would mention here that the husband is the INITIATATOR of love....you cannot understand the word SUBMIT without understanding the responsibility of the husband which is “love your wives as Christ loved the church.”  I really do not think most women would have much trouble loving a man who loved them with the same love that Christ had for the church.....which was unselfish, sacrificial, purposeful love.  (remember that study)

Final Conclusions:

1. If you as a woman are not prepared to exchange your FREEDOM for his love, then you really should not consider marriage.  There is a loss of freedom found in the little word SUBMIT.  

If you should feel that you have an inability to accept authority, even when there are times that the authority is wrong, then you should really go slow on getting married.

 

2. Be sure as a woman that the man you are preparing to marry has some present tense concept of BIBLICAL LOVE.  If he is not a believer, then you can forget this study altogether, for it has no bearing on your future husband.  He could NOT have a Biblical love for you without knowing the Savior, from whom comes this love. 

 

3. If as a believer, he does not have some understanding of DOCTRINE, then go slow, for remember, this love that he is to have for you as a wife is TIED INTO KNOWING AND UNDERSTANDING DOCTRINE. When you marry a fellow who has that “even as” type of love for you, which is Christian love, then you are in store for a great relationship....for he is going to be constantly seeking to love you “even as” Christ loved the church. 

  

4. Does he accept RESPONSIBILITY?  The man in v. 25 is commanded to love his wife as his own body.  He is commanded to love you even as Christ loved the church.  What is his PERCEPTION OF CHRIST.  What is her PERCEPTION OF CHRIST.  I hope it is beyond going to church regularly on Sunday morning. 

 

5. If you as a perspective wife just have an overpowering desire to RETREAD this man you are in love with, then really forget about marriage.  If you look upon him as some kind of worn out tire that could be useful if you could retread him, then forget about marriage.  How can you respond to a MAN WHEN YOUR WHOLE PROGRAM IS TO RETREAD THE POOR FELLOW.  

6. By the way, fellows, the word in v. 25 for loving your wives is not a “hop in the bed word”  but it is agape love, which is an unselfish, sacrificial, purposeful, realistic word for love.

  

7. Always remember, God created the INEQUALITY between the two.  God said that there is something that Eve can be....that Adam cannot be....and there is something that Adam can be...that Eve cannot be.  This has to do with ROLES.  (Roles have absolutely nothing to do with superiority of one over the other, but God did assign ROLES)